Blog move

I’ve recently moved my content over to my new website JoWalley.co.uk and new blog posts for the last few weeks have been published on there.

I’ll be writing posts on a variety of different topics including personal development, product reviews and recommendations and things I’ve learnt and would like to share. Content will reflect my current interests and activities (at the moment I’m doing daily posts from my beauty advent calendar). If you’d like to keep up-to-date please visit my new blog at https://jowalley.co.uk/blog/ and if you wish to subscribe there are details at the bottom of the page or you can subscribe via Bloglovin.

Taking inspiration from unusual places

Yesterday I went to make my lunch and decided to go for some Mr Lees noodles. As I was waiting for the kettle to boil I checked the tub for the instructions and read some of the quirky advertising (they’re a great brand!). Then I spotted this…

Tell me and I’ll forget, show me and I may remember, involve me and I’ll understand

This was particularly pertinent as I’d been having conversations that day about coaching and giving advice and how it’s so much more effective if it is co-created rather than the coach offering advice. Later that afternoon in a coaching conversation I shared some advice (which I don’t tend to like doing in a coaching context), and I also demonstrated something (which felt a lot better), and we worked together for most of the time (which definitely was the preferable approach).

This quote is something I tend to utilise in my teaching (I did a workshop earlier this week and it was predominantly practical exercises), and is something I’m going to be reminding myself of more frequently. Who knew a pot noodle could provide so much insight! 😂

Prioritising, not pursuing, happiness

I’m currently doing a Coursera course on ‘A Life of Happiness and Fulfillment‘ and have just completed the first week. One of the things I learnt was the advice to prioritise, but not pursue, happiness. At first I wasn’t sure about this concept but the more I thought about it the more it made a lot of sense to me and is something I’m going to be trying to put into practice.

It’s a common held desire to be more happy, but in pursuing this it can sometimes have the opposite effect. We focus so much and what we think we need to change to be happy that we start to see all the differences and the gap between where we are now and the elusive ‘happiness’ which can often make us feel unhappy. So actively pursuing happiness can often have the opposite effect.

However, the course talks about how we often prioritise other things above our happiness. Sometimes we prioritise value for money, or status, or any number of other external factors (many research studies have shown how we do this without really realising it). We think these choices will make us happy but at the core of it often we can make very simple decisions that will make us happier even sooner. Things like choosing the foods we enjoy rather than the ones that are good value (the ones we enjoy may be cheaper or may be more expensive but by shifting our focus to what makes us happy we may well be much better off in terms of our wellbeing).

We apparently make 1000s of decisions every day and often we don’t prioritise happiness in this decision making process.

I’m going to be trying to do that more from now on, starting with spending some time in the garden because being outside makes me happy 🙂 (I’m now sitting in my favourite chair at the bottom of the garden…)

What makes you happy? How can you prioritise happiness in your day-to-day decision making?

Rejecting enforced fun

Today is a Bank Holiday in the UK, which for some people means an extra day off work. Not for retail workers or other services, or for the self-employed (though many of us get to choose if we work or not). Often we (the British) moan about poor weather on days like this. But today is glorious weather – I’m currently sitting in the park on my way home from the gym and wishing I’d got my sunglasses and packed shorts instead of jeans in my bag!

I had no plans for the bank holiday. To be honest I’d forgotten it was a bank holiday until a few days ago. My husband often podcasts with a friend on Mondays and he was planning to do that today, so I thought I’d just see what I felt like doing. I did a bit of work this morning, and thought I might do some blogging this afternoon. I made myself a packed lunch and was just about to head to the gym when my husband’s plans were cancelled.

Suddenly I had an overwhelming urge to ‘do something’ with the day. I didn’t necessarily want to, I just felt like we should. I was free. My husband was free. It’s a bank holiday so we shouldn’t feel we need to work. It’s sunny and warm, so we should be outside. I feel like this a lot. I should be relaxing. I should be having more fun. I should be enjoying life more. I should…

But maybe that’s not what we want. Maybe one of us, or both of us, don’t feel like going out today. Maybe today is a day that some people are out having fun with family they don’t often get to spend time with, and maybe they’re outside enjoying the sunshine they don’t often get to enjoy. I’m very lucky that I do get to spend time with my family and friends (and particularly my husband), and if it’s a nice day I can usually choose to spend it outside. I don’t feel the urgency to ‘make the most’ of today’s bank holiday.

So I’m removing the guilt of not having enforced fun, and I’m having a pretty normal day (work, gym, sitting in the park, blogging) and taking enjoyment from that. Sometimes I find the pressure to relax and have fun overwhelming. I lead a fairly relaxed life at the moment and take pleasure from some of the normal day-to-day activities I do so I don’t feel a need to take as much dedicated time out as I used to. Today I’m feeling very grateful for that so that’s my Monday Cheer.

I hope you are enjoying your day whatever you’re up to 🙂

Exploring your surroundings

I’ve been really enjoying exploring recently. We moved to Newcastle-under-Lyme (in the Midlands, not the Newcastle in North East England that most people know!) in December 2015 and although it’s not far from where I grew up in the Staffordshire Moorlands it’s not an area I knew well. We live walking distance from the town centre and I go into town most days, usually for the gym or to a supermarket or to get a bus to the train station in Stoke-on-Trent. When I have a bit more time, I like to take slightly different routes to explore the area. I don’t usually plan things out – I just see where I feel like walking and go for it.

Today I was walking back from a class at the gym and decided to pop into Sainsbury’s (which is a part of town I don’t often go to and has some lovely views over the countryside to the west). Rather than take my usual walk home, I took a slightly different route. I had a vague idea where it would take me but wasn’t sure if I might hit a dead end. Fortunately, I hit something much better than that – the ruins from the castle the town was named after! I didn’t even realise there were ruins (to be fair there’s not much!). Thanks to lottery funding there are plaques with information which include artist impressions, key dates, and historic maps to show where the castle was and the land that previously was under the lake that surrounded the castle (we still have Lyme Brook but this was a lake previously).

I then walked a different way through one of the parks nearby and spotted that the community garden is now producing vegetables that can be picked. You can pick your own carrots, onions, and cabbages, and there is other produce that will be ready in the next few weeks. This is a local community project that you can get involved in, either by volunteering time or materials, if you wish.

I learnt a lot about the history of the area and appreciated the community spirit of the area all from taking a slightly different route back from the supermarket! My Dad (who has lived in the area for 60 years!) has recently started joining organised walking groups and has discovered lots of new places and routes that he didn’t realise were there.

It has reminded me that all too often we miss a lot of our surroundings because we always take the same routes and look out for the same things, and it’s nice to slow down, be creative, and appreciate what’s around us.

A transformative walk

I took a walk earlier today. Yesterday had been a long and busy day; doctor’s appointment, cemetery visit, work, met with a friend, lunch out, train to London, evening coaching workshop, drinks, late night train back. It had also been an emotional rollercoaster; I’d been apprehensive, excited, pensive, productive, challenged, nervous, resistant, worried, confused, energised, inspired, appreciative, frustrated, and drained. I’d been close to tears a couple of times, and experienced something close to an anxiety attack. To some this rollercoaster might sound scary but it was brilliant. Despite the emotions and vulnerability, I felt safe, truly present, and wholeheartedly alive. But all that and little more than 4 hours sleep meant I was quite tired this morning!

After a work call and checking my emails, I went out for a walk. I set out with no expectations of where I would go or how long for; I just walked. I ended up exploring some woods that I haven’t been in before. I was initially listening to music but I spotted a rabbit, squirrel, pigeon, and two magpies on my way into the woods so I decided to take out my earphones and appreciate the sounds of nature. I walked and listened and watched. As I did so, I started to reflect on some of what I’d experienced and learnt the previous day.

Suddenly, I was hit by a huge realisation. I’d learnt during the coaching workshop that resistance is strongest when it’s close to going, and applied this to some of the tension I’d felt the day before. Why had I felt so uncomfortable talking about my low self-esteem? Why did it feel strange talking about enjoying the gym but not having specific goals to change my appearance? Why did I feel discomfort when talking about how fortunate I am to have such caring and generous friends, like I should feel indebted to them? Could it be that I actually don’t hate myself, in fact I actually quite like myself, and am starting to see why others might too?

I realised that I’d been holding onto the belief that I wasn’t worthy of being loved as I am; that I always needed to be better. I realised that I didn’t hold that belief anymore and wanted to move on from it. At that point I hit a fork in the path…

I took the path that seemed most like who I am now; the me that respects myself and enjoys life and everything that it brings. It was a challenge to take the new journey, the road less travelled, but it was also exciting and liberating. I travelled through bogs (but I trusted that the path laid out for me would carry me through)…

I travelled over bumps in the track, sometimes not seeing what was beyond until I was right there…

After a while, I was rewarded with some lovely views…

Shortly after that I was out of the woods and experienced an incredible sense of accomplishment and freedom…

I ended my walk feeling so much lighter and at peace. I have freedom to be who I am and I know that I’m a lovable person as I am today. Not everyone will love me (or even like me!) and that’s OK. But it doesn’t mean I’m not enough. I’m growing and changing all the time, but I’ll never be perfect and I don’t want to be. I have some admirable qualities, and I have some less desirable qualities, and all of them combine to make me who I am. Right now, that feels pretty great.

What beliefs are you holding on to? Do they fit with who you are today? How might it feel if you could let them go?

Monday Cheer

Expressing gratitude is a bit of a trend at the moment. Is it really helpful or just a current fad? According to this article on neuroscience revealing four rituals that will make you happier, expressing gratitude can drastically improve mental health (by boosting some of the neurotransmitters that are also boosted by antidepressants). It doesn’t even matter if you can’t find things to be grateful for (though I’m sure we all can, no matter how small). It’s actually the process of searching for things to be grateful for that helps.

I’ve been doing this on a daily basis for a while now, both in my handwritten journal and often verbally too (over dinner or at the end of an evening we tend to have a discussion about what we’re grateful for from that day). I also do it publicly each week on Twitter using the hashtag #mondaycheer. Mondays can be challenging days; for many people they mark the end of their ‘free time’ from the weekend and the beginning of their working week. I think it’s a good time to reflect on the things we are grateful for and the things we’re looking forward to, so that’s what I do on Twitter – and I encourage others to do similar. I usually aim for five points per week, though sometimes it’s less and sometimes it’s more.

This week my Monday Cheer includes:

1. Being a member of my local gym and enjoying working out (leading to me meeting my fitness targets on my Apple Watch every day last week for the first time!)
2. Finding time to read (and a great thought-provoking book – Jodi Picoult’s Small Great Things)
3. Having most of the weekend to myself and really appreciating the freedom of being able to do what I want when I want
4. Managing to get an appointment with my incredible doctor (she’s been so helpful with treating my mental health)
5. Going to a professional development workshop later today with a friend (it’s a Coaching School workshop on Dancing with Resistance)

What have you enjoyed recently? What are you grateful for? What are you looking forward to? Let me know in the comments or over on Twitter using the #mondaycheer tag, and try to integrate the process into your daily routine. It’s helped me immensely by encouraging me to appreciate the smaller things that are meaningful to my life.

We all have internal battles to fight

Sometimes it's easy to imagine that we're the only ones experiencing certain challenges and that everyone else is coping fine with the things we struggle with. That might be the case of course, but I think it's probably far more likely that others are experiencing some of the challenges you are, and that most of us have struggles.

Last night we finished watching The Crown on Netflix, which documents the British royal family from 1947 to 1955. It's one of those shows that I've known about for ages but didn't think it would be the sort of thing we ("my husband and I" 😉) would enjoy. How wrong I was; we both really enjoyed watching it. Admittedly, it's dramatised so I don't know how much the smaller storylines reflect the truth, but I believe some of the royal family have watched the show and can relate to it.

I particularly appreciated the focus of the episodes and how they are based around challenges many of us can relate to – things like our identity, family values, love and marriage, friendships (and how they are perceived by others), building trust, negotiating needs, being assertive, juggling different priorities, pursuing passions, and education (including feeling like we don't know enough about something). These are all struggles I've experienced at times, and it's reassuring to remember that this is something pretty much all of us experience at times, even the Queen!

So what can we take from this? Well, I have certainly taken some reassurance that it's normal to experience these internal struggles, whatever they may be, and that although the specific situations are likely to be different the core of the struggle is something we can probably relate to. As a natural extension to this, talk about things if it helps you to. Those who love you may well be able to relate to the issues you're experiencing, and may have advice (and if not, I'm sure they'll offer a safe space for you to discuss things). Like Bob Hoskins said, "Its good to talk" (though let's just hope you don't have to rely on BT to facilitate any conversations given their record for reliability!).

Give yourself a break

This morning I received a timely email from Blurt (as an aside, I highly recommend signing up to their weekly newsletter). This morning the message encouraged me to give myself a break. This is actually a mantra I have adopted on the recommendation of a wise friend who told me once, and reminds me frequently, to give myself a f***ing break. I use this mantra when I feel guilty about something I've done (or not done) or to tune into what I really want to do when I'm struggling to make a decision. I've used it at conferences and events when I've reached full capacity and need to take time out. It helps me make more mindful decisions that are right for the present moment, and because it's sweary it makes me smile too.

So today, following the advice of this morning's email, I have given myself a break. I stayed in bed for an hour or so enjoying cuddles with one of our cats. I walked into town and got some new gym clothes so I don't feel as much pressure to do laundry so frequently. I went to a couple of local supermarkets and got some nice food as a treat for tonight. I stocked up on some essentials and used deals to get some foot moisturiser and am planning to have a pedicure (and maybe manicure) later. I played with my nail polishes. I got some yarn to knit a project with because I'm missing knitting.

I didn't look at my to-do list once. Yet I still managed to accomplish some errands (not essential but I felt like it), clean the bathroom (because I wanted to rather than had to), and meet my fitness goals (because I did a lot of walking). If I hadn't done those things though, that would have been OK too. Giving myself a break allows me the freedom to enjoy the day more whilst tuning into the things that I want to do, and living more in the present moment. Sometimes it leads to a very active day, and sometimes it leads to a lazy day – but I feel more satisfied in both cases because I'm so much more in tune with what my body and mind need that day.

So, I encourage you to give yourself a break when you can too. Don't worry about the things you feel you *should* do. Do the things you *want* to do. Listen to your mind and body, and enjoy yourself 😊

The power of the mind

I've always been fascinated by how our minds work (and their flaws!). I loved studying Psychology at A Level and I specialised in Sports Psychology in my degree. As time goes on, I'm realising just how powerful the mind can be, and am learning more about neuroscience, psychology, and other related sciences. Then of course there's my own personal experience to draw upon, and there's a lot I don't understand (but try to decipher!).

I recently joined my local sports centre and started out with swimming, then added exercise classes, and now I use the gym too and have a personal programme set up (I'm a bit obsessive and I always favour my latest craze so the last two weeks I've been to the gym seven times but haven't been swimming at all – that's a whole other topic though!).

Today I've been thinking about how powerful our mind can be in affecting our behaviour. My previous two workouts have gone really well. I've been pleased about that, but being me I can't just accept that; I've been trying to figure out why so I can make the most of my future workouts. Some reasons I considered included:

• Time of day – late afternoon rather than morning (when I tend to have more energy)
• Food consumption – after breakfast and lunch rather than just breakfast (and time for nutrients to get into my body)
• Clothing – shorter leggings and a breathable top so I didn't feel like I was sweating as much
• Mood – I've been feeling a bit down and usually find I benefit more from utilising physical energy (maybe pent up frustration?)
• Fitness – second week of the gym so my fitness may be improving
• Familiarity – getting into a routine and getting used to the different machines so I can focus more on the exercises themselves
• Time pressure – I'd committed to attending a class at a set time after the gym workout so was motivated to finish it in a certain timeframe

I've just finished today's workout and it went OK but I don't feel it went as well – particularly in the cardio sections. Now it could be nothing to do with any of these factors, but some of them were playing on my mind whilst I was working out (it's earlier in the day, I've only had breakfast, I did the exercise class before rather than after so might be more tired and don't have any commitments straight after so there's no pressure, my t-shirt isn't a breathable one, etc etc… little insight into my mind for you there!). As these were running through my head I became aware that I was struggling more than I had in my previous workouts.

Was this a result of ruminating on why I might not do so well? If I'd have gone in feeling confident that I was going to smash it would I have not struggled as much? Can I alter my mindset going in to the gym to help me make the most of my workout?

Has anyone else experienced this where their expectations affect their behaviour and result in a potentially different outcome? Or am I trying to give meaning to something that is mostly down to other factors?